At first I thought my wilderness season was a punishment; I still struggle with having an accurate concept of God’s nature. But when I heard Him say to me “move away from the idea of punishment” I wasn’t sure I heard correctly. Afterwards I ran across the words of 1 John 4:18 that talk about perfect love driving out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
So I began to settle back into my wildness and made a good measure of peace with it. Yet I feel I have been here for so long that He has forgotten me. While I know this isn’t true because of the time we spend together, this is still a difficult place to be sometimes. I miss my old life and the comfort I am accustomed to getting from my friendships and activities. I miss my joy and zest for life. The longer I am here the more I see what a crutch staying busy is for me; how it glosses over things I would rather ignore.
For the past several weeks the feelings of sadness and discontentment began to intensify to the point that I could no longer push them away completely. It seemed every time I had a minute alone – they were waiting for me. The awareness of using the familiar to run away from pain was so obvious it couldn’t be missed. “But Lord” I said, “Being sad about it now won’t change anything – it couldn’t be helped, it’s ok, I’m fine, really.”
The enemy of my heart smelled blood and he began to whisper “this is the way it will always be”, “no one will ever love you”, “you will always long and never have”. He plays his game so well; indeed he reminded me that a lifetime of evidence backed up his taunting words. Had they been loud and angry I would have recognized his scheme sooner; but they were so soft and subtle they seemed my own words as they mixed with personal recollections.
As the pain of my heart swelled to its highest intensity ever, I did the best I could to remain visibly composed at my desk that day. After lunch, with my despair at its lowest point I realized several things. When we are happy, it seems that we will always be happy. Waking up to a season of difficulty and sorrow is shocking. This leads to the next point, when we are sad; it seems we will always be sad.
As I poured out my heart to God, I can honestly say I was ready for Him to take me home. Right then and there – on the spot. Only the thought of my kids and friends brought me back down to reality even if He had been willing to grant my request. Why would He leave me here this long and allow me to hurt this way for such an extended time? I felt I just had to have some answers.
I began to comb the internet looking for some specific answers to questions I wasn’t sure how to even ask. A recent experience had awakened in me a strong awareness of desiring love and affection from someone who I knew from the start was not able to give it. I recognized that my feelings were out of proportion to the situation itself, and had very much to do with my past.
All this time I believed that the absence of longing for the love of this person from my past meant I was free from it. Yet my search put me in touch with several articles that helped me see this was not the case. I had simply been too young at the time to process all that was happening; all of those emotions were there – they had just been cut off in order to handle the situation.
I finished up my day at work and headed to my car to ponder over the events of the day and my internet findings. In a strange way I felt a measure of relief, as though a pressure valve had been allowed a release. I have come to know God well enough to know that He is the Healer, Counselor and Comforter. He was not going to settle for just putting a band-aid on my heart. He was allowing experiences that would provide enough pressure to force these feelings to the surface so they could be released and the hurts healed.
On my drive home I heard Him say to me “your heart is courageous and I am so proud of you" followed by "your heart is beautiful". The first statement, though very precious to me, did not come as a complete shock. I know that I am a survivor. So it was the second statement I balked at whether or not He had really said. Immediately I recalled the words of Psalm 45:11 "So will the King desire your beauty."
Because of the scripture reference, I knew then that both of these statements were indeed His personal words to me. But I also knew it because this was connected to a conversation we had just had a few days ago exploring the subject of His emotions. In particular what He feels (if anything) - especially when He sees we are in pain and knows He has the power to banish it.
Through the story of Mary, Martha and the resurrection of their brother Lazarus, God helped me to see that He is not indifferent to our pain and suffering. Indeed He is very present in it even while knowing that the final outcome will be glorious. (See John chapter 11).
I knew that God was saying to me that He does not inflict pain without a purpose. And that even in our darkest times, just minutes before performing the miraculous, He still feels our pain and weeps with us. He is not standing by up in heaven untouchable; He is still Jesus, Emmanuel, God With Us – right down here on earth..
He knew even better than I did how courageous it is for my heart to continue to hope and to believe in the power of love. He was also complimenting me for hanging in with the maturing process of the past 18 months; and for having a heart healthy enough to wait on His timing rather than rushing in to something of my own choosing without His blessing.
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