The Most Beautiful Sight

The Most Beautiful Sight

Last weekend at one of my favorite spots I witnessed one of the most beautifully moving sights ever. Something that stood out as extraordinary in the midst of some of the most ordinary of circumstances.

It wasn't the canopy of trees shading the the wooden deck sprinkled with chairs and tables at Central Market.  It wasn't the playfulness of the Lindy-Hoppers dancing to the gentle rhythm of  live swing music.  It wasn't even the scores of kids tangled up together running and climbing over every inch of the playscape in  full view of adoring parents enjoying the evening, the company of friends and family while talking, eating and laughing. 

Though all of these are infinitely precious in their own way, the one that moved me to the core was a particular scene unfolding on the other side of the deck.  Above the seated crowd a tall man, perhaps in his early thirties, stood holding and bouncing a baby the way we do when they are fussy and need to go to sleep, but can't without help.  After a few minutes, infant settled, they sat down and in minutes fell off my radar.

That is until my friend and I crossed over to the same side in our desire to find more comfortable seating and that's when I noticed them again.  Sitting quietly at the table now just in front of us; alone in the crowd except for the deliciously plump infant sprawled out across this parental lap.  Face up, cocoa skin collected in rounds on innocent arms stretched overhead; plump, dimpled thighs just barely long enough to extend beyond his perch. With a jaunty cap of dark curly hair peeking out from the other side of this human resting spot.

For more than two hours, the person I assume to be his father had loving provided a soft platform for this sleeping beauty to lay across without moving.  No rest-room break, no food purchase, conversation or any other discernible activity or shift in position beyond scrolling through a hand-held e-reader.  

And all I could think was that this must be the most loved child on the planet here in this moment of suspended time.  I wondered about what this little boy would grow up to be like for having been rooted and grounded from his earliest days in such a strong, sturdy, protective love.  What would his character and nature be like - and what would he do with such a profound gift?

And I wondered about who this man was and what was he like. Did he love generously because he had been loved that way - or perhaps because he had not been.  I also wondered where the mother was and was curious to know the rest of the untold story here in front of me.  I thought about the way moms and dads love differently - hers is often about comfort, cuddles and snuggles while his is designed to encourage strength and independence.  And I thought about the way media speaks about the breakdown of the family, particularly African-American families and how it made the scene in front of me even more precious; hopefully a declaration that the news is wrong.

I also thought about my own story of love - the ways it has come to me and the ways it hasn't.  All the twists and turns life has taken, and how at age 48 I still long with every part of me to find a love that is true and will last.  And how it is not possible to live present to that kind of longing, so busy activity gets used as a band-aid.    How hard it can be to overcome fears, old, untrue messages and hurts - to take relational risks.

And in the midst of all my unfinished pondering, this perfect baby stirs awake, refreshed from his nap.  He is lovingly placed into the stroller designed for people who run, strapped in - snapped in - and off they went leaving a trail of unanswered questions in their wake.  And I am left alone in the crowd, seated beside my friend; alone with my longing and desire.  What will I do with all of it?  Write.  Write about what I saw to capture the moment like a photograph; turn to my friends and loved ones, not away.  And determine to be brave enough to keep hoping that someday the love I long for will come true for me.

View from a Different Angle - Is it a Handicap or a Gift?

If you know me at all, you know that I love summer; eat it up, drink it in and wear it out. The fresh food, the ice-cold drinks and the weightless clothing of summer; all this and more, I can't get enough of.

So in that vein, on a balmy, summer evening my girlfriend and I hop in the car headed for Taco Cabana.  Which means dirt-cheap frozen lime margaritas and tasty Tex-Mex.  We order our food. find a table and settle in to catch up with each other.

As we talk, I notice a large group of adults and kids at the other end of the room; tables drawn together and engrossed in conversation.  The main reason I glanced their way was because of the noise factor. Their children were running around the clustered tables,shrieking as they played. This went on for quite some time; and the longer my friend and I chatted, the louder and more boisterous they became.

My frustration turned to anger as I silently judged each person at the table for their rudeness in not handling the situation.  Unable to concentrate any longer, I finally looked over, fully intent on catching an adult eye to give the evil look that can wither solid objects. And if this didn't work, I was worked up enough to say something if necessary. But instead of making individual eye contact,on closer examination, I realized that they were all deaf.  Not only was their animated conversation with one another fully engrossing; their handicap was insulating them from the noisy distraction.  They were literally oblivious to the present irritation.

Caught off guard, my emotions settled and I watched for a few minutes fascinated by the graceful hand movements and intent expressions on each face.  And for just a moment I thought about how being deaf might actually be a gift.  How life might be more peaceful without all the noise that constantly swirls; traffic and the city bus, construction, airplanes, too loud music, too many infomercials - a constant barrage on our senses.

How it might be easier to make quality choices and decisions when not being endlessly bombarded with requests for our time, money and attention.  Yes, I would miss the beautiful sounds of nature, baby giggles and even children-laughter, music at a comfortable volume and more.  It was definitely something to think about.

And I also thought about how difficult it must be for hearing children to be born to deaf parents.  Their moms probably don't sign to them about using their inside voices.  No doubt there are other social and polite behavior cues that are missed early on as well.  And how it can be painful to be teased by those who don't understand.

Almost as if this group sensed that their educational mission was complete, they rose from the table, gathered their food trays and loud troupe.  As they walked out the door I thought about the gift and lesson they had been.  And I made plans for them to stick; to root around in my mind and heart to keep things a little more settled; a little more grounded, peaceful and thankful.

Faith is Meant to Work - Making Investments that Payoff

How does the same year feel like an eternity while it's being lived out day by day; and yet in the rear view mirror of life it seems like only a blur of memories and events that took mere minutes to complete?

Looking back over 2012 causes me to wonder what it was that I did with an entire 365 days. I know the year started with many things on my "to do" list; things that even today, March 2, 2013, still remain undone. But, I also know with certainty that every undone task in a crazy way represents something I did do.

All of the unfinished projects in and around my house represent an internal struggle over making the best choice possible at that point in time.  Last year gave me several distinct opportunities to evaluate what means the most to me; to make very intentional decisions about what I am going to invest myself in.  Investments are the deposits I make hoping for some kind of a return.

 
It is simplistic and naive of me to think of my choices as being limited to the black and white of what is "good" and "bad".  I see much more clearly these days that my choices far more often are between what is "better" and "best". 

For me, 2012 was a year of trying to be much more intentional about choosing "better" and "best" far more than settling for "good".  I ended up adopting the mind-set of an athlete in training, because it helped ease my discomfort or out-right pain when the choices were hard to make.  When “good” was so alluringly close and “best” was so far away and out of reach.  It is effortless to fall into “good”.  Choosing what is “best” takes intentional forethought and consistency.

In the Bible, the book of Ephesians, chapter 3 and verse 20 tells me that not only does God want to see His purposes fulfilled in me, but He is also very willing to go beyond that by granting what is “far over and above all that we dare ask or think; infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes or dreams”. 

But getting to “all that is beyond what I can hope and dream” for hinges on letting Him see His purposes fulfilled in me first.  And because I do have a few cherished hopes and dreams of my own, I am doing the harder work of choosing God and His plans over choosing me and my hopes and dreams. 

As I partner with Him in this process, His purposes are becoming some of the hopes and dreams I am beginning to cherish. I can see a quirky bit of humor in the way that many of my oddities and imperfections which make no sense to me, seem to make perfect sense when viewed through the lens of His purposes.  And surprisingly, as I invest in learning the art and craft of communication for His pleasure and purpose, He is already unveiling bits and pieces of things that are far beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of.  Even more than that – one feeds the other. 

This year I have already had the amazing pleasure of presenting a workshop as part of the Highland Lakes Annual Women’s Conference; definitely a God plan and not a me plan.  In a few short months, I will have the joy of participating for the first time as an amateur athlete in a ballroom dance competition; definitely something far beyond anything I could have ever hoped or dreamed for….Yet as wonderful as both of these things are, they are also the result of investment, practice, study, training, and perseverence. 

It takes effort to reach for a goal.  It takes courage to dream beyond the goal.  And it takes something truly amazing to sow that goal as an investment in making dreams come true.

What about you, what are your hopes and dreams?  Don’t worry if you don’t have any at the moment; I didn’t either when I first started this journey.  But God is more than able to give hope and make dreams come true.  Partnership is the key that opens the door.

 
Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams
 

Psalm 30:11   You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

Jeremiah 31:4 Again I will build you and you will be built, O Virgin Israel! You will again be adorned with your timbrels and go forth in the dancing [chorus] of those who make merry.

The Allure of the Wilderness – Not What It Seems

The reality that I am here in my wilderness season for an extended period of time is inescapable.  It is a fact.  I will not be leaving until God leads me out.  So it struck me that it might be a good idea to study just exactly what this word, lifted from Hosea 2:14, really means.

Looking to glean any bit of insight, wisdom (or a faster way out!) I started with an on-line search. Using Strong’s Bible Concordance I typed in word “wilderness” and was fascinated by what I found.

Though there were several Hebrew words translated as wilderness, the one identified in Hosea 2:14 is H4057 (H as in the Hebrew use and meaning instead of the later Greek translation).  The primary meaning is given as; a)pasture, b)uninhabited land, wilderness, c)large tracts of wilderness (around cities), d)wilderness (fig).  However it also included a secondary meaning as that of the mouth – as an organ of speech. 

Reading through the information on H4057 clearly showed that this particular word for wilderness should not be thought of as a barren place, but rather as a pasture fit for feeding flocks.  It also comes from the root word in the Hebrew shown as H1696, a verb which means to speak, declare, converse, command, promise, warn, threaten, sing, to lead away or put to flight. 

I appreciated the idea that my present location was to be thought of as a pasture, ripe for being fed in – not a place of barren nothingness.  This made me think of Psalm 23 that talks about God being our Shepherd and all the ways He cares for us as His sheep. Perhaps a journey into the wilderness is meant to be a place where we are tenderly guided to rest, to drink refreshing water, to have our souls restored and to be led in paths of righteousness. 

However discovering that the root word for wilderness was taken from one for mouth caught me by surprise. But how perfectly these two concepts of pasture and being spoken to marry with the text in which wilderness is being used in here in Hosea 2:14.  It also reveals God’s true heart toward His chosen nation of Israel even though they continued to take from His hand while turning their backs on Him. Even worse, they credited their false gods with the provisions given by the one true God.

These were His chosen people whom He dearly loved, had rescued from a life of slavery and had taken care of for decades.  Though they appear not to care for God at all, His heart still longs for intimacy in spite of their adultery against His Husbandry.  Not only did He want to restore relationship with this lost and broken nation, He wanted to heal and bless her.  So He leads her away from the noise in hopes of doing just that.

His entire purpose for alluring her to the wilderness was to “speak tenderly and to her heart”. But by divine wisdom His words would only be spoken in the intimate privacy found outside the city limits. 

I know beyond all doubt that at least part of the reason why God has allured me into the wilderness has to do with healing my heart from some long standing hurts.  It has taken an extended “quiet” time away from all the distractions in order for these wounds to surface long enough to be examined, discussed, cried over …. And miraculously, even healed.  Out here, He has fed me by hand and spoken some very sweet, tender words of hope and encouragement.

What I am discovering out here is a deeper grounding in His love. I’m learning to make Him my security and finding how secure that makes me feel inside regardless of circumstances.  Fear and anxiety no longer linger in the back of my mind the way they once did.  There is a growing sense of wholeness and I’ve never experienced that before. Could it be that what I have been viewing as a negative place to be is actually a profoundly wonderful place to be?

But if so many wonderful outcomes result from following God out into the wilderness when He beckons – or when we awaken to find ourselves there; then why don’t we talk more about these seasons?   Reading through the Bible shows this concept so clearly.  From the life of Moses, Abraham, Jacob, John the Baptist and even Jesus Himself along with many, many others who have spent time in the wilderness.  Why does it catch me off guard that the God Who loves me has, for a season, dried up the flow of blessing that comes from my relationships with human beings, things and even experiences?  If I had realized from the start that it was so He could talk to me more deeply just maybe I would have run into the wilderness! 

What about you – have you too experienced this type of a dry season?  How did you interpret it and what has been the outcome?  I would love to hear about it. 

The Allure of the Wilderness - a Season of Maturing Endurance

John 14:13
And I will do [I Myself will grant] whatever you ask in My Name [as presenting all that I AM], so that the Father may be glorified and extolled in (through) the Son.

I have asked, and I have been active in my work of believing God to answer my prayer (though we have had a few conversations on the subject of belief).  I have checked that my request is in keeping with His will; that it is appropriate.  I have worked hard at being obedient (still need some work here but can say that it is the longest consistent run at obedience I have ever had – I really want this prayer answered), and still I wait.

He has not said no to my request, and sometimes He encourages me to believe Him hard for my yes.  Yet the answer has not materialized.  I find a way to loose myself in the activity of life and forget only to have an experience that wicks it all back up again.  Once more what was nearly forgotten is stirred up again with the most intense desire.  Why?

On one hand it seems cruel – even Proverbs says that hope deferred makes the heart sick (13:12).  What do we do with the things we long for and though we have asked repeatedly (Matthew 7:8) and fight the fight of faith (Hebrews 11:1 and 6); and still we wait for the answer?

                                                      

Endurance – turns out to be another reason for an extended wilderness stay. It is a deeper purification, and a more intense sifting of the heart.    

James 1:2-4

²Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

    ³Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

    ⁴But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

Could I live without my request?  Eighteen months ago I would have said no.  But these days I know I can - - as long as I don’t have to live with the desire for what I long for.  I can say like the Apostle Paul, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation….I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me (Philippians 4:11-13). 

I have experience now with taking my needs to God and receiving His grace.  Sometimes He provides a tangible gift such as an invitation from my girlfriends for a night of fun. Sometimes it is an amazing evening of dancing which I love and has been one of His sweetest gifts to me.  It has brought so much healing and joy that I have to be careful not to let it eclipse my love for Him.  Sometimes He just gives me an extra sense of His Presence which provides a fullness that satisfies me completely but never permanently. 

He knows that I could go on living life day by day in His company and that alone would satisfy the desire for my request.  Yet I know with full certainty that He is the One that brings it back to the surface time after time.  Why?

I think there are several reasons, most notably that when we work for something we are partners with God.  Many times it seems that when we pray for something, then in turn He asks us for an investment before we get the payoff of answered prayer.  It can be so easy to have a fickle heart and not appreciate the gifts God gives if we haven’t had to work for them. 

Could it be that my prayer request is much like a five-year old asking for a fiery, red Ferrari?  God doesn’t say no – He says how badly do you want it?  Enough to save for it denying other lesser ways to spend hard earned money?  Enough to learn to drive with the skill needed to handle such a powerful piece of machinery?  Enough to prove to Me you will take care of something so valuable by caring for lesser things as though they too were as costly as the car? 

As God speaks to me over the Ferrari analogy, I realize that what I have asked Him for will require much of me in order to be able to enjoy the gift I seek.  My maturity level will be put to the test.  So will the ability to keep my priorities in order and live with integrity and faithfulness.  And so the gift I seek requires me to pass rigorous testing; to patiently endure this wilderness season and still manifest the fruit of His Spirit within me.

With each test I have learned volumes.  Some tests I have passed, some I have failed at miserably, but in each one I have experienced God’s love for me in deeper and deeper ways.  Failures teach me that He loves me unconditionally, knows me intimately, and accepts me for who I am while continuing the work of molding me into His image.  Each success gives me encouragement to continue our partnership for the times when I would like to quit and walk away. 

Overall though, the failures have meant more to me than the successes.  I know that He prearranged each test to show me what He already sees. Each time I sin, failing my test I am forced to acknowledge things that need to be dealt with.  Then I am far more open to working with God to bring help and healing.  Then as the tests come up again and again my responses improve.  I marvel that He knows all my stuff, both the good and ugly and is not the least bit surprised when I act badly.  In fact – He is the One pushing the envelope to force the issue out in the open so we can partner together to get it taken care of.

So I can on some level concur with the half brother of Jesus, the Apostle James in counting it all joy when trials and temptations come my way.  There are multiple categories to put the tally marks of life into, and choosing to put trials under the heading of joy is truly a way of paying it forward.    

The Allure of the Wilderness – Tenderness is Spoken Here

At first I thought my wilderness season was a punishment; I still struggle with having an accurate concept of God’s nature.  But when I heard Him say to me “move away from the idea of punishment” I wasn’t sure I heard correctly.  Afterwards I ran across the words of 1 John 4:18 that talk about perfect love driving out fear because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So I began to settle back into my wildness and made a good measure of peace with it.  Yet I feel I have been here for so long that He has forgotten me.  While I know this isn’t true because of the time we spend together, this is still a difficult place to be sometimes. I miss my old life and the comfort I am accustomed to getting from my friendships and activities.  I miss my joy and zest for life.  The longer I am here the more I see what a crutch staying busy is for me; how it glosses over things I would rather ignore.

For the past several weeks the feelings of sadness and discontentment began to intensify to the point that I could no longer push them away completely.  It seemed every time I had a minute alone – they were waiting for me.   The awareness of using the familiar to run away from pain was so obvious it couldn’t be missed.  “But Lord” I said, “Being sad about it now won’t change anything – it couldn’t be helped, it’s ok, I’m fine, really.”

The enemy of my heart smelled blood and he began to whisper “this is the way it will always be”, “no one will ever love you”, “you will always long and never have”.  He plays his game so well; indeed he reminded me that a lifetime of evidence backed up his taunting words.  Had they been loud and angry I would have recognized his scheme sooner; but they were so soft and subtle they seemed my own words as they mixed with personal recollections.

As the pain of my heart swelled to its highest intensity ever, I did the best I could to remain visibly composed at my desk that day.  After lunch, with my despair at its lowest point I realized several things.  When we are happy, it seems that we will always be happy. Waking up to a season of difficulty and sorrow is shocking. This leads to the next point, when we are sad; it seems we will always be sad. 

As I poured out my heart to God, I can honestly say I was ready for Him to take me home.  Right then and there – on the spot.  Only the thought of my kids and friends brought me back down to reality even if He had been willing to grant my request. Why would He leave me here this long and allow me to hurt this way for such an extended time?  I felt I just had to have some answers.

I began to comb the internet looking for some specific answers to questions I wasn’t sure how to even ask.  A recent experience had awakened in me a strong awareness of desiring love and affection from someone who I knew from the start was not able to give it.  I recognized that my feelings were out of proportion to the situation itself, and had very much to do with my past.

All this time I believed that the absence of longing for the love of this person from my past meant I was free from it.  Yet my search put me in touch with several articles that helped me see this was not the case.  I had simply been too young at the time to process all that was happening; all of those emotions were there – they had just been cut off in order to handle the situation.    

I finished up my day at work and headed to my car to ponder over the events of the day and my internet findings.  In a strange way I felt a measure of relief, as though a pressure valve had been allowed a release.  I have come to know God well enough to know that He is the Healer, Counselor and Comforter.  He was not going to settle for just putting a band-aid on my heart. He was allowing experiences that would provide enough pressure to force these feelings to the surface so they could be released and the hurts healed. 

On my drive home I heard Him say to me “your heart is courageous and I am so proud of you" followed by "your heart is beautiful".  The first statement, though very precious to me, did not come as a complete shock. I know that I am a survivor.  So it was the second statement I balked at whether or not He had really said. Immediately I recalled the words of Psalm 45:11 "So will the King desire your beauty."

Because of the scripture reference, I knew then that both of these statements were indeed His personal words to me.  But I also knew it because this was connected to a conversation we had just had a few days ago exploring the subject of His emotions.  In particular what He feels (if anything) - especially when He sees we are in pain and knows He has the power to banish it.

Through the story of Mary, Martha and the resurrection of their brother Lazarus, God helped me to see that He is not indifferent to our pain and suffering. Indeed He is very present in it even while knowing that the final outcome will be glorious.  (See John chapter 11). 

I knew that God was saying to me that He does not inflict pain without a purpose.  And that even in our darkest times, just minutes before performing the miraculous, He still feels our pain and weeps with us.  He is not standing by up in heaven untouchable; He is still Jesus, Emmanuel, God With Us – right down here on earth.. 

He knew even better than I did how courageous it is for my heart to continue to hope and to believe in the power of love.  He was also complimenting me for hanging in with the maturing process of the past 18 months; and for having a heart healthy enough to wait on His timing rather than rushing in to something of my own choosing without His blessing.

Allured to the Wilderness - Awakening to a Desert Season

Hosea 2:14 Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel] and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

“Allure”  Strong’s H6601 - to be spacious, be open, be wide, to be simple, entice, deceive, persuade, be gullible, seduce

I know this word. I experience it every time I walk into one of my favorite local coffee and bakery shops.  I am allured by the aromas that are earthy and sweet; warm and comforting with a touch of sophistication wafting through the air.  Following my nose leads me to what I seek.  But what if the coffee that smelled so good being poured into a cup then tasted like wood shavings?  Or the fresh scent of yeast bread yielded a slice with green mold on it?  How cheated would we feel?  Yet that is the implied meaning of this word “allure” used here. 

It seems that I live in modern day Babylon; a place where commerce and capitalism drive the pace of life.  With that comes a subtle but fierce competition for my attention. I find that the affections of my heart can easily be lured away in any number of directions.  How often I am aware of having so many options for avoiding unpleasant feelings; if I’m lonely I can have dinner out with my friends.  If I’m having a bout with insecurity a new outfit does the trick.

It is not that I love these comforts more than God – though at one time I held them so tightly that I left Him no choice but to empty my hands so I could learn to hold on to Him instead.  While He did that, He taught me how much He loves me and that He is the only Source for life.  In time, as I did some much needed maturing, many of these comforts were given back and some even multiplied.  Yet always, each time they slyly creep too close to becoming a substitute for Him, they begin to grow dull until I realize what’s happening and set things right in my heart.  This is such a gift. 

God desires to bless us with good things; He says it renews our youth and keeps us strong (Psalm 103:5).  Psalm 81:10 tells us to open our mouth wide and He will fill it.   Yet it is so incredibly easy to let these blessings become our source for life as opposed to looking to God as our life and letting His blessings come to us as pleasures.  This approach keeps everything in order freeing us to enjoy all that He sends, yet it can be so hard to maintain.

Surely this has to explain some of the reasons why God has to allure (trick so to speak) us into going to the wilderness.  We see what appears to be a treat, something with all the charm and promise of a coffeehouse in Venice, but the experience of drinking the cup is tasteless, void of flavor.  It could even be that just yesterday we had a lovely cup right here, but today the exact same experience is dull, flat and unsatisfying.  No matter where we turn seeking just a little comfort; it yields nothing. 

Slowly we awaken to the realization we are in the wilderness; we have “come to” in the desert. And just like a mirage, what promised pleasure turns up empty.  It is hot, dusty, dry, and ugly – and we are alone.  Nothing and no one is coming to our rescue.  What do we do?  Panic perhaps and scramble to find relief; but as surely as we try, every single attempt meets with disappointment.

Because our God will not compete for the affection of our heart or the attention of our mind – if He is going to win us, it seems He has to allure us.  Down the street, around the corner we go, following the smell of fresh brewed coffee (or a new outfit, a gourmet meal – whatever our comfort and desire are begging for) until we have gone so far as to look around and realize we are lost.  The city is gone; the paved road at an end.  It is a frightening place to be. There is nothing else to do but wait and seek. 

And then He comes; unannounced and without any explanation of what we’re doing here or why.  If we want to know why, we have to ask.  As long as we feel we are entitled to pleasure for the sake of pleasure alone instead of pleasure as a gift, we will never learn to ask Him what’s wrong when life dries up.

For it is here in the wilderness that God has tender words to speak to us; words of healing, words of hope and encouragement about our today and our tomorrow.  Indeed it seems that some of the most personal and profound things He has to say will only be said in private – One to one.  So He allures us away; alone for the express purpose of ushering in a deeper intimacy.