The Allure of the Wilderness

"Therefore, behold, I [The Lord God] will hedge up her way with thorns; and I will build a wall against her that she shall not find her paths" Hosea 2:6

"I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart" Hosea 2:14

Having read the first few chapters of Hosea before, I am both fascinated and appalled that God would ask a devout man, Hosea, to take a prostitute for a wife and have children with her.  Aware that the purpose is an attempt to shock His beloved people, Israel, into the awareness of the lifestyle they are living by using such crude imagery.

And even though my heart protests that my own attempts at finding life outside of God are "not as bad as that", nevertheless, I can find some common ground with Israel that I would rather not admit to much less share.

This year has been a difficult one for me in many ways.  Yet, I readily concede that it has been a year of unparalleled growth; both personal and spiritual.  Indeed, I have never experienced anything like it before and I am forever changed - permanently marked by it.

I believed with all my heart that last winter I had heard God say that in the spring of this year, He would grant the deepest desire of my heart; the thing I want most of all.  Yet spring has come and gone, so has summer and now most of autumn.  Did I misunderstand?  If so then how cruel to let me continue believing in my "yes" if the answer would be "no".  I am discovering though that He is not limited by anything, and can call any season in life "spring" whether or not it corresponds with the calendar hanging in my kitchen. 

Having experienced a crushing blow to the heart last year, I learned for the first time in my life what it means to live on God.  For several months after, I lived in His Cardiac Intensive Care Unit.  Seeking out His Company and being in His Word was the only way to lift the burden; like being out in the crushing humidity and coming into an air-conditioned room. 

Before the blow, I was living a rather carnal Christian life.  Yet at the same time, I hungered for more and knew I was not truly satisfied. No matter how much I tried to fill myself, I couldn't.  I couldn't stay busy enough, work enough or become absorbed enough in parenting to completely shake the emptiness.  I also had some habits that needed desperately to be dealt with.

Please don't get me wrong, I very much believe, based on numerous Scriptural references that we are meant to enjoy our life and live it to the full.  Otherwise we would not be told this in John 10:10, nor would we be told that the Kingdom of God is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). 

I knew with complete certainty that my heartbreak was for the express purpose of exposing the very wounds I was trying so hard to run from.  It was also meant to remind me how much I ached for my heart's deepest desire and get busy truly seeking God about it. After soaking in enough spiritual CPR to function again, I went to work on the three main assignments God had given me.  These were things He had already called me to do several years ago. I just flat out had not made them the priority I knew I should have (hence the feeling of being unsatisfied...).  Convinced, based on Scripture, that faith and obedience would bring me the gift I sought the most, I got serious about going in the right direction.

Through a much deeper, much more intimate walk with God, obedience was now possible, and  life underwent a dramatic change.  I felt like someone who had awakened after having lived more than four decades dead.  And then, slowly but surely, it all began to dry up again.  Friendships went stale for no apparent reason, dearly loved pursuits became dull; nothing was working.

I realize now that I have been "allured" out into the wilderness.  Following the scent of a new life, all this has been difficult to understand.  But it seems that there is still work to do in my heart, and it has required an extended time alone with God.  I still see my friends and participate in things I very much enjoy, but now I am acutely aware that the pleasure is a byproduct; it is a gift and not an entitlement.

It has been more than a year now that I have lived in this wilderness place.  What was at first harsh and difficult has given way to an appreciation for the wild beauty of this intimate location. But He has waited until we could be alone to say some incredibly tender things to my heart.  He has also brought me so much healing that it nearly defies comprehending.  He is teaching me to wait; be patient and endure, to find my satisfaction in Him and make peace in every single aspect of my life - most notably, within myself. 

At times the pain has been so intense I can hardly bear it another day, and then....out of no where He speaks to me.  His words of love, praise and affirmation give me the courage and incentive to keep going.  I have had some (rather) nasty (one-sided) arguments with Him about finding relief from all of this, but through a study of the book of James, He tells me that patience and endurance make us complete, lacking in nothing.

I'm not sure where all of this is going, but I know the One Who does.  And for now, it is enough.  I still do not have the tangible gift I seek and that is hard to live with sometimes. But, in the meantime, His dreams for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) are melding with my own and I am walking through the door that He is holding open for me.