The Allure of the Wilderness – Not What It Seems

The reality that I am here in my wilderness season for an extended period of time is inescapable.  It is a fact.  I will not be leaving until God leads me out.  So it struck me that it might be a good idea to study just exactly what this word, lifted from Hosea 2:14, really means.

Looking to glean any bit of insight, wisdom (or a faster way out!) I started with an on-line search. Using Strong’s Bible Concordance I typed in word “wilderness” and was fascinated by what I found.

Though there were several Hebrew words translated as wilderness, the one identified in Hosea 2:14 is H4057 (H as in the Hebrew use and meaning instead of the later Greek translation).  The primary meaning is given as; a)pasture, b)uninhabited land, wilderness, c)large tracts of wilderness (around cities), d)wilderness (fig).  However it also included a secondary meaning as that of the mouth – as an organ of speech. 

Reading through the information on H4057 clearly showed that this particular word for wilderness should not be thought of as a barren place, but rather as a pasture fit for feeding flocks.  It also comes from the root word in the Hebrew shown as H1696, a verb which means to speak, declare, converse, command, promise, warn, threaten, sing, to lead away or put to flight. 

I appreciated the idea that my present location was to be thought of as a pasture, ripe for being fed in – not a place of barren nothingness.  This made me think of Psalm 23 that talks about God being our Shepherd and all the ways He cares for us as His sheep. Perhaps a journey into the wilderness is meant to be a place where we are tenderly guided to rest, to drink refreshing water, to have our souls restored and to be led in paths of righteousness. 

However discovering that the root word for wilderness was taken from one for mouth caught me by surprise. But how perfectly these two concepts of pasture and being spoken to marry with the text in which wilderness is being used in here in Hosea 2:14.  It also reveals God’s true heart toward His chosen nation of Israel even though they continued to take from His hand while turning their backs on Him. Even worse, they credited their false gods with the provisions given by the one true God.

These were His chosen people whom He dearly loved, had rescued from a life of slavery and had taken care of for decades.  Though they appear not to care for God at all, His heart still longs for intimacy in spite of their adultery against His Husbandry.  Not only did He want to restore relationship with this lost and broken nation, He wanted to heal and bless her.  So He leads her away from the noise in hopes of doing just that.

His entire purpose for alluring her to the wilderness was to “speak tenderly and to her heart”. But by divine wisdom His words would only be spoken in the intimate privacy found outside the city limits. 

I know beyond all doubt that at least part of the reason why God has allured me into the wilderness has to do with healing my heart from some long standing hurts.  It has taken an extended “quiet” time away from all the distractions in order for these wounds to surface long enough to be examined, discussed, cried over …. And miraculously, even healed.  Out here, He has fed me by hand and spoken some very sweet, tender words of hope and encouragement.

What I am discovering out here is a deeper grounding in His love. I’m learning to make Him my security and finding how secure that makes me feel inside regardless of circumstances.  Fear and anxiety no longer linger in the back of my mind the way they once did.  There is a growing sense of wholeness and I’ve never experienced that before. Could it be that what I have been viewing as a negative place to be is actually a profoundly wonderful place to be?

But if so many wonderful outcomes result from following God out into the wilderness when He beckons – or when we awaken to find ourselves there; then why don’t we talk more about these seasons?   Reading through the Bible shows this concept so clearly.  From the life of Moses, Abraham, Jacob, John the Baptist and even Jesus Himself along with many, many others who have spent time in the wilderness.  Why does it catch me off guard that the God Who loves me has, for a season, dried up the flow of blessing that comes from my relationships with human beings, things and even experiences?  If I had realized from the start that it was so He could talk to me more deeply just maybe I would have run into the wilderness! 

What about you – have you too experienced this type of a dry season?  How did you interpret it and what has been the outcome?  I would love to hear about it. 

The Allure of the Wilderness - a Season of Maturing Endurance

John 14:13
And I will do [I Myself will grant] whatever you ask in My Name [as presenting all that I AM], so that the Father may be glorified and extolled in (through) the Son.

I have asked, and I have been active in my work of believing God to answer my prayer (though we have had a few conversations on the subject of belief).  I have checked that my request is in keeping with His will; that it is appropriate.  I have worked hard at being obedient (still need some work here but can say that it is the longest consistent run at obedience I have ever had – I really want this prayer answered), and still I wait.

He has not said no to my request, and sometimes He encourages me to believe Him hard for my yes.  Yet the answer has not materialized.  I find a way to loose myself in the activity of life and forget only to have an experience that wicks it all back up again.  Once more what was nearly forgotten is stirred up again with the most intense desire.  Why?

On one hand it seems cruel – even Proverbs says that hope deferred makes the heart sick (13:12).  What do we do with the things we long for and though we have asked repeatedly (Matthew 7:8) and fight the fight of faith (Hebrews 11:1 and 6); and still we wait for the answer?

                                                      

Endurance – turns out to be another reason for an extended wilderness stay. It is a deeper purification, and a more intense sifting of the heart.    

James 1:2-4

²Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

    ³Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

    ⁴But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

Could I live without my request?  Eighteen months ago I would have said no.  But these days I know I can - - as long as I don’t have to live with the desire for what I long for.  I can say like the Apostle Paul, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation….I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me (Philippians 4:11-13). 

I have experience now with taking my needs to God and receiving His grace.  Sometimes He provides a tangible gift such as an invitation from my girlfriends for a night of fun. Sometimes it is an amazing evening of dancing which I love and has been one of His sweetest gifts to me.  It has brought so much healing and joy that I have to be careful not to let it eclipse my love for Him.  Sometimes He just gives me an extra sense of His Presence which provides a fullness that satisfies me completely but never permanently. 

He knows that I could go on living life day by day in His company and that alone would satisfy the desire for my request.  Yet I know with full certainty that He is the One that brings it back to the surface time after time.  Why?

I think there are several reasons, most notably that when we work for something we are partners with God.  Many times it seems that when we pray for something, then in turn He asks us for an investment before we get the payoff of answered prayer.  It can be so easy to have a fickle heart and not appreciate the gifts God gives if we haven’t had to work for them. 

Could it be that my prayer request is much like a five-year old asking for a fiery, red Ferrari?  God doesn’t say no – He says how badly do you want it?  Enough to save for it denying other lesser ways to spend hard earned money?  Enough to learn to drive with the skill needed to handle such a powerful piece of machinery?  Enough to prove to Me you will take care of something so valuable by caring for lesser things as though they too were as costly as the car? 

As God speaks to me over the Ferrari analogy, I realize that what I have asked Him for will require much of me in order to be able to enjoy the gift I seek.  My maturity level will be put to the test.  So will the ability to keep my priorities in order and live with integrity and faithfulness.  And so the gift I seek requires me to pass rigorous testing; to patiently endure this wilderness season and still manifest the fruit of His Spirit within me.

With each test I have learned volumes.  Some tests I have passed, some I have failed at miserably, but in each one I have experienced God’s love for me in deeper and deeper ways.  Failures teach me that He loves me unconditionally, knows me intimately, and accepts me for who I am while continuing the work of molding me into His image.  Each success gives me encouragement to continue our partnership for the times when I would like to quit and walk away. 

Overall though, the failures have meant more to me than the successes.  I know that He prearranged each test to show me what He already sees. Each time I sin, failing my test I am forced to acknowledge things that need to be dealt with.  Then I am far more open to working with God to bring help and healing.  Then as the tests come up again and again my responses improve.  I marvel that He knows all my stuff, both the good and ugly and is not the least bit surprised when I act badly.  In fact – He is the One pushing the envelope to force the issue out in the open so we can partner together to get it taken care of.

So I can on some level concur with the half brother of Jesus, the Apostle James in counting it all joy when trials and temptations come my way.  There are multiple categories to put the tally marks of life into, and choosing to put trials under the heading of joy is truly a way of paying it forward.    

The Allure of the Wilderness – Tenderness is Spoken Here

At first I thought my wilderness season was a punishment; I still struggle with having an accurate concept of God’s nature.  But when I heard Him say to me “move away from the idea of punishment” I wasn’t sure I heard correctly.  Afterwards I ran across the words of 1 John 4:18 that talk about perfect love driving out fear because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So I began to settle back into my wildness and made a good measure of peace with it.  Yet I feel I have been here for so long that He has forgotten me.  While I know this isn’t true because of the time we spend together, this is still a difficult place to be sometimes. I miss my old life and the comfort I am accustomed to getting from my friendships and activities.  I miss my joy and zest for life.  The longer I am here the more I see what a crutch staying busy is for me; how it glosses over things I would rather ignore.

For the past several weeks the feelings of sadness and discontentment began to intensify to the point that I could no longer push them away completely.  It seemed every time I had a minute alone – they were waiting for me.   The awareness of using the familiar to run away from pain was so obvious it couldn’t be missed.  “But Lord” I said, “Being sad about it now won’t change anything – it couldn’t be helped, it’s ok, I’m fine, really.”

The enemy of my heart smelled blood and he began to whisper “this is the way it will always be”, “no one will ever love you”, “you will always long and never have”.  He plays his game so well; indeed he reminded me that a lifetime of evidence backed up his taunting words.  Had they been loud and angry I would have recognized his scheme sooner; but they were so soft and subtle they seemed my own words as they mixed with personal recollections.

As the pain of my heart swelled to its highest intensity ever, I did the best I could to remain visibly composed at my desk that day.  After lunch, with my despair at its lowest point I realized several things.  When we are happy, it seems that we will always be happy. Waking up to a season of difficulty and sorrow is shocking. This leads to the next point, when we are sad; it seems we will always be sad. 

As I poured out my heart to God, I can honestly say I was ready for Him to take me home.  Right then and there – on the spot.  Only the thought of my kids and friends brought me back down to reality even if He had been willing to grant my request. Why would He leave me here this long and allow me to hurt this way for such an extended time?  I felt I just had to have some answers.

I began to comb the internet looking for some specific answers to questions I wasn’t sure how to even ask.  A recent experience had awakened in me a strong awareness of desiring love and affection from someone who I knew from the start was not able to give it.  I recognized that my feelings were out of proportion to the situation itself, and had very much to do with my past.

All this time I believed that the absence of longing for the love of this person from my past meant I was free from it.  Yet my search put me in touch with several articles that helped me see this was not the case.  I had simply been too young at the time to process all that was happening; all of those emotions were there – they had just been cut off in order to handle the situation.    

I finished up my day at work and headed to my car to ponder over the events of the day and my internet findings.  In a strange way I felt a measure of relief, as though a pressure valve had been allowed a release.  I have come to know God well enough to know that He is the Healer, Counselor and Comforter.  He was not going to settle for just putting a band-aid on my heart. He was allowing experiences that would provide enough pressure to force these feelings to the surface so they could be released and the hurts healed. 

On my drive home I heard Him say to me “your heart is courageous and I am so proud of you" followed by "your heart is beautiful".  The first statement, though very precious to me, did not come as a complete shock. I know that I am a survivor.  So it was the second statement I balked at whether or not He had really said. Immediately I recalled the words of Psalm 45:11 "So will the King desire your beauty."

Because of the scripture reference, I knew then that both of these statements were indeed His personal words to me.  But I also knew it because this was connected to a conversation we had just had a few days ago exploring the subject of His emotions.  In particular what He feels (if anything) - especially when He sees we are in pain and knows He has the power to banish it.

Through the story of Mary, Martha and the resurrection of their brother Lazarus, God helped me to see that He is not indifferent to our pain and suffering. Indeed He is very present in it even while knowing that the final outcome will be glorious.  (See John chapter 11). 

I knew that God was saying to me that He does not inflict pain without a purpose.  And that even in our darkest times, just minutes before performing the miraculous, He still feels our pain and weeps with us.  He is not standing by up in heaven untouchable; He is still Jesus, Emmanuel, God With Us – right down here on earth.. 

He knew even better than I did how courageous it is for my heart to continue to hope and to believe in the power of love.  He was also complimenting me for hanging in with the maturing process of the past 18 months; and for having a heart healthy enough to wait on His timing rather than rushing in to something of my own choosing without His blessing.

Allured to the Wilderness - Awakening to a Desert Season

Hosea 2:14 Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel] and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

“Allure”  Strong’s H6601 - to be spacious, be open, be wide, to be simple, entice, deceive, persuade, be gullible, seduce

I know this word. I experience it every time I walk into one of my favorite local coffee and bakery shops.  I am allured by the aromas that are earthy and sweet; warm and comforting with a touch of sophistication wafting through the air.  Following my nose leads me to what I seek.  But what if the coffee that smelled so good being poured into a cup then tasted like wood shavings?  Or the fresh scent of yeast bread yielded a slice with green mold on it?  How cheated would we feel?  Yet that is the implied meaning of this word “allure” used here. 

It seems that I live in modern day Babylon; a place where commerce and capitalism drive the pace of life.  With that comes a subtle but fierce competition for my attention. I find that the affections of my heart can easily be lured away in any number of directions.  How often I am aware of having so many options for avoiding unpleasant feelings; if I’m lonely I can have dinner out with my friends.  If I’m having a bout with insecurity a new outfit does the trick.

It is not that I love these comforts more than God – though at one time I held them so tightly that I left Him no choice but to empty my hands so I could learn to hold on to Him instead.  While He did that, He taught me how much He loves me and that He is the only Source for life.  In time, as I did some much needed maturing, many of these comforts were given back and some even multiplied.  Yet always, each time they slyly creep too close to becoming a substitute for Him, they begin to grow dull until I realize what’s happening and set things right in my heart.  This is such a gift. 

God desires to bless us with good things; He says it renews our youth and keeps us strong (Psalm 103:5).  Psalm 81:10 tells us to open our mouth wide and He will fill it.   Yet it is so incredibly easy to let these blessings become our source for life as opposed to looking to God as our life and letting His blessings come to us as pleasures.  This approach keeps everything in order freeing us to enjoy all that He sends, yet it can be so hard to maintain.

Surely this has to explain some of the reasons why God has to allure (trick so to speak) us into going to the wilderness.  We see what appears to be a treat, something with all the charm and promise of a coffeehouse in Venice, but the experience of drinking the cup is tasteless, void of flavor.  It could even be that just yesterday we had a lovely cup right here, but today the exact same experience is dull, flat and unsatisfying.  No matter where we turn seeking just a little comfort; it yields nothing. 

Slowly we awaken to the realization we are in the wilderness; we have “come to” in the desert. And just like a mirage, what promised pleasure turns up empty.  It is hot, dusty, dry, and ugly – and we are alone.  Nothing and no one is coming to our rescue.  What do we do?  Panic perhaps and scramble to find relief; but as surely as we try, every single attempt meets with disappointment.

Because our God will not compete for the affection of our heart or the attention of our mind – if He is going to win us, it seems He has to allure us.  Down the street, around the corner we go, following the smell of fresh brewed coffee (or a new outfit, a gourmet meal – whatever our comfort and desire are begging for) until we have gone so far as to look around and realize we are lost.  The city is gone; the paved road at an end.  It is a frightening place to be. There is nothing else to do but wait and seek. 

And then He comes; unannounced and without any explanation of what we’re doing here or why.  If we want to know why, we have to ask.  As long as we feel we are entitled to pleasure for the sake of pleasure alone instead of pleasure as a gift, we will never learn to ask Him what’s wrong when life dries up.

For it is here in the wilderness that God has tender words to speak to us; words of healing, words of hope and encouragement about our today and our tomorrow.  Indeed it seems that some of the most personal and profound things He has to say will only be said in private – One to one.  So He allures us away; alone for the express purpose of ushering in a deeper intimacy. 

The Allure of the Wilderness

"Therefore, behold, I [The Lord God] will hedge up her way with thorns; and I will build a wall against her that she shall not find her paths" Hosea 2:6

"I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart" Hosea 2:14

Having read the first few chapters of Hosea before, I am both fascinated and appalled that God would ask a devout man, Hosea, to take a prostitute for a wife and have children with her.  Aware that the purpose is an attempt to shock His beloved people, Israel, into the awareness of the lifestyle they are living by using such crude imagery.

And even though my heart protests that my own attempts at finding life outside of God are "not as bad as that", nevertheless, I can find some common ground with Israel that I would rather not admit to much less share.

This year has been a difficult one for me in many ways.  Yet, I readily concede that it has been a year of unparalleled growth; both personal and spiritual.  Indeed, I have never experienced anything like it before and I am forever changed - permanently marked by it.

I believed with all my heart that last winter I had heard God say that in the spring of this year, He would grant the deepest desire of my heart; the thing I want most of all.  Yet spring has come and gone, so has summer and now most of autumn.  Did I misunderstand?  If so then how cruel to let me continue believing in my "yes" if the answer would be "no".  I am discovering though that He is not limited by anything, and can call any season in life "spring" whether or not it corresponds with the calendar hanging in my kitchen. 

Having experienced a crushing blow to the heart last year, I learned for the first time in my life what it means to live on God.  For several months after, I lived in His Cardiac Intensive Care Unit.  Seeking out His Company and being in His Word was the only way to lift the burden; like being out in the crushing humidity and coming into an air-conditioned room. 

Before the blow, I was living a rather carnal Christian life.  Yet at the same time, I hungered for more and knew I was not truly satisfied. No matter how much I tried to fill myself, I couldn't.  I couldn't stay busy enough, work enough or become absorbed enough in parenting to completely shake the emptiness.  I also had some habits that needed desperately to be dealt with.

Please don't get me wrong, I very much believe, based on numerous Scriptural references that we are meant to enjoy our life and live it to the full.  Otherwise we would not be told this in John 10:10, nor would we be told that the Kingdom of God is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). 

I knew with complete certainty that my heartbreak was for the express purpose of exposing the very wounds I was trying so hard to run from.  It was also meant to remind me how much I ached for my heart's deepest desire and get busy truly seeking God about it. After soaking in enough spiritual CPR to function again, I went to work on the three main assignments God had given me.  These were things He had already called me to do several years ago. I just flat out had not made them the priority I knew I should have (hence the feeling of being unsatisfied...).  Convinced, based on Scripture, that faith and obedience would bring me the gift I sought the most, I got serious about going in the right direction.

Through a much deeper, much more intimate walk with God, obedience was now possible, and  life underwent a dramatic change.  I felt like someone who had awakened after having lived more than four decades dead.  And then, slowly but surely, it all began to dry up again.  Friendships went stale for no apparent reason, dearly loved pursuits became dull; nothing was working.

I realize now that I have been "allured" out into the wilderness.  Following the scent of a new life, all this has been difficult to understand.  But it seems that there is still work to do in my heart, and it has required an extended time alone with God.  I still see my friends and participate in things I very much enjoy, but now I am acutely aware that the pleasure is a byproduct; it is a gift and not an entitlement.

It has been more than a year now that I have lived in this wilderness place.  What was at first harsh and difficult has given way to an appreciation for the wild beauty of this intimate location. But He has waited until we could be alone to say some incredibly tender things to my heart.  He has also brought me so much healing that it nearly defies comprehending.  He is teaching me to wait; be patient and endure, to find my satisfaction in Him and make peace in every single aspect of my life - most notably, within myself. 

At times the pain has been so intense I can hardly bear it another day, and then....out of no where He speaks to me.  His words of love, praise and affirmation give me the courage and incentive to keep going.  I have had some (rather) nasty (one-sided) arguments with Him about finding relief from all of this, but through a study of the book of James, He tells me that patience and endurance make us complete, lacking in nothing.

I'm not sure where all of this is going, but I know the One Who does.  And for now, it is enough.  I still do not have the tangible gift I seek and that is hard to live with sometimes. But, in the meantime, His dreams for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) are melding with my own and I am walking through the door that He is holding open for me.