At first I thought my wilderness season was a punishment; I still struggle with having an accurate concept of God’s nature. But when I heard Him say to me “move away from the idea of punishment” I wasn’t sure I heard correctly. Afterwards I ran across the words of 1 John 4:18 that talk about perfect love driving out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
So I began to settle back into my wildness and made a good measure of peace with it. Yet I feel I have been here for so long that He has forgotten me. While I know this isn’t true because of the time we spend together, this is still a difficult place to be sometimes. I miss my old life and the comfort I am accustomed to getting from my friendships and activities. I miss my joy and zest for life. The longer I am here the more I see what a crutch staying busy is for me; how it glosses over things I would rather ignore.
For the past several weeks the feelings of sadness and discontentment began to intensify to the point that I could no longer push them away completely. It seemed every time I had a minute alone – they were waiting for me. The awareness of using the familiar to run away from pain was so obvious it couldn’t be missed. “But Lord” I said, “Being sad about it now won’t change anything – it couldn’t be helped, it’s ok, I’m fine, really.”
The enemy of my heart smelled blood and he began to whisper “this is the way it will always be”, “no one will ever love you”, “you will always long and never have”. He plays his game so well; indeed he reminded me that a lifetime of evidence backed up his taunting words. Had they been loud and angry I would have recognized his scheme sooner; but they were so soft and subtle they seemed my own words as they mixed with personal recollections.
As the pain of my heart swelled to its highest intensity ever, I did the best I could to remain visibly composed at my desk that day. After lunch, with my despair at its lowest point I realized several things. When we are happy, it seems that we will always be happy. Waking up to a season of difficulty and sorrow is shocking. This leads to the next point, when we are sad; it seems we will always be sad.
As I poured out my heart to God, I can honestly say I was ready for Him to take me home. Right then and there – on the spot. Only the thought of my kids and friends brought me back down to reality even if He had been willing to grant my request. Why would He leave me here this long and allow me to hurt this way for such an extended time? I felt I just had to have some answers.
I began to comb the internet looking for some specific answers to questions I wasn’t sure how to even ask. A recent experience had awakened in me a strong awareness of desiring love and affection from someone who I knew from the start was not able to give it. I recognized that my feelings were out of proportion to the situation itself, and had very much to do with my past.
All this time I believed that the absence of longing for the love of this person from my past meant I was free from it. Yet my search put me in touch with several articles that helped me see this was not the case. I had simply been too young at the time to process all that was happening; all of those emotions were there – they had just been cut off in order to handle the situation.
I finished up my day at work and headed to my car to ponder over the events of the day and my internet findings. In a strange way I felt a measure of relief, as though a pressure valve had been allowed a release. I have come to know God well enough to know that He is the Healer, Counselor and Comforter. He was not going to settle for just putting a band-aid on my heart. He was allowing experiences that would provide enough pressure to force these feelings to the surface so they could be released and the hurts healed.
On my drive home I heard Him say to me “your heart is courageous and I am so proud of you" followed by "your heart is beautiful". The first statement, though very precious to me, did not come as a complete shock. I know that I am a survivor. So it was the second statement I balked at whether or not He had really said. Immediately I recalled the words of Psalm 45:11 "So will the King desire your beauty."
Because of the scripture reference, I knew then that both of these statements were indeed His personal words to me. But I also knew it because this was connected to a conversation we had just had a few days ago exploring the subject of His emotions. In particular what He feels (if anything) - especially when He sees we are in pain and knows He has the power to banish it.
Through the story of Mary, Martha and the resurrection of their brother Lazarus, God helped me to see that He is not indifferent to our pain and suffering. Indeed He is very present in it even while knowing that the final outcome will be glorious. (See John chapter 11).
I knew that God was saying to me that He does not inflict pain without a purpose. And that even in our darkest times, just minutes before performing the miraculous, He still feels our pain and weeps with us. He is not standing by up in heaven untouchable; He is still Jesus, Emmanuel, God With Us – right down here on earth..
He knew even better than I did how courageous it is for my heart to continue to hope and to believe in the power of love. He was also complimenting me for hanging in with the maturing process of the past 18 months; and for having a heart healthy enough to wait on His timing rather than rushing in to something of my own choosing without His blessing.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Allured to the Wilderness - Awakening to a Desert Season
Hosea 2:14 Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel
“Allure” Strong’s H6601 - to be spacious, be open, be wide, to be simple, entice, deceive, persuade, be gullible, seduce
I know this word. I experience it every time I walk into one of my favorite local coffee and bakery shops. I am allured by the aromas that are earthy and sweet; warm and comforting with a touch of sophistication wafting through the air. Following my nose leads me to what I seek. But what if the coffee that smelled so good being poured into a cup then tasted like wood shavings? Or the fresh scent of yeast bread yielded a slice with green mold on it? How cheated would we feel? Yet that is the implied meaning of this word “allure” used here.
It seems that I live in modern dayBabylon
It is not that I love these comforts more than God – though at one time I held them so tightly that I left Him no choice but to empty my hands so I could learn to hold on to Him instead. While He did that, He taught me how much He loves me and that He is the only Source for life. In time, as I did some much needed maturing, many of these comforts were given back and some even multiplied. Yet always, each time they slyly creep too close to becoming a substitute for Him, they begin to grow dull until I realize what’s happening and set things right in my heart. This is such a gift.
God desires to bless us with good things; He says it renews our youth and keeps us strong (Psalm 103:5). Psalm 81:10 tells us to open our mouth wide and He will fill it. Yet it is so incredibly easy to let these blessings become our source for life as opposed to looking to God as our life and letting His blessings come to us as pleasures. This approach keeps everything in order freeing us to enjoy all that He sends, yet it can be so hard to maintain.
Surely this has to explain some of the reasons why God has to allure (trick so to speak) us into going to the wilderness. We see what appears to be a treat, something with all the charm and promise of a coffeehouse inVenice
Slowly we awaken to the realization we are in the wilderness; we have “come to” in the desert. And just like a mirage, what promised pleasure turns up empty. It is hot, dusty, dry, and ugly – and we are alone. Nothing and no one is coming to our rescue. What do we do? Panic perhaps and scramble to find relief; but as surely as we try, every single attempt meets with disappointment.
Because our God will not compete for the affection of our heart or the attention of our mind – if He is going to win us, it seems He has to allure us. Down the street, around the corner we go, following the smell of fresh brewed coffee (or a new outfit, a gourmet meal – whatever our comfort and desire are begging for) until we have gone so far as to look around and realize we are lost. The city is gone; the paved road at an end. It is a frightening place to be. There is nothing else to do but wait and seek.
And then He comes; unannounced and without any explanation of what we’re doing here or why. If we want to know why, we have to ask. As long as we feel we are entitled to pleasure for the sake of pleasure alone instead of pleasure as a gift, we will never learn to ask Him what’s wrong when life dries up.
For it is here in the wilderness that God has tender words to speak to us; words of healing, words of hope and encouragement about our today and our tomorrow. Indeed it seems that some of the most personal and profound things He has to say will only be said in private – One to one. So He allures us away; alone for the express purpose of ushering in a deeper intimacy.
“Allure” Strong’s H6601 - to be spacious, be open, be wide, to be simple, entice, deceive, persuade, be gullible, seduce
I know this word. I experience it every time I walk into one of my favorite local coffee and bakery shops. I am allured by the aromas that are earthy and sweet; warm and comforting with a touch of sophistication wafting through the air. Following my nose leads me to what I seek. But what if the coffee that smelled so good being poured into a cup then tasted like wood shavings? Or the fresh scent of yeast bread yielded a slice with green mold on it? How cheated would we feel? Yet that is the implied meaning of this word “allure” used here.
It seems that I live in modern day
It is not that I love these comforts more than God – though at one time I held them so tightly that I left Him no choice but to empty my hands so I could learn to hold on to Him instead. While He did that, He taught me how much He loves me and that He is the only Source for life. In time, as I did some much needed maturing, many of these comforts were given back and some even multiplied. Yet always, each time they slyly creep too close to becoming a substitute for Him, they begin to grow dull until I realize what’s happening and set things right in my heart. This is such a gift.
God desires to bless us with good things; He says it renews our youth and keeps us strong (Psalm 103:5). Psalm 81:10 tells us to open our mouth wide and He will fill it. Yet it is so incredibly easy to let these blessings become our source for life as opposed to looking to God as our life and letting His blessings come to us as pleasures. This approach keeps everything in order freeing us to enjoy all that He sends, yet it can be so hard to maintain.
Surely this has to explain some of the reasons why God has to allure (trick so to speak) us into going to the wilderness. We see what appears to be a treat, something with all the charm and promise of a coffeehouse in
Slowly we awaken to the realization we are in the wilderness; we have “come to” in the desert. And just like a mirage, what promised pleasure turns up empty. It is hot, dusty, dry, and ugly – and we are alone. Nothing and no one is coming to our rescue. What do we do? Panic perhaps and scramble to find relief; but as surely as we try, every single attempt meets with disappointment.
Because our God will not compete for the affection of our heart or the attention of our mind – if He is going to win us, it seems He has to allure us. Down the street, around the corner we go, following the smell of fresh brewed coffee (or a new outfit, a gourmet meal – whatever our comfort and desire are begging for) until we have gone so far as to look around and realize we are lost. The city is gone; the paved road at an end. It is a frightening place to be. There is nothing else to do but wait and seek.
And then He comes; unannounced and without any explanation of what we’re doing here or why. If we want to know why, we have to ask. As long as we feel we are entitled to pleasure for the sake of pleasure alone instead of pleasure as a gift, we will never learn to ask Him what’s wrong when life dries up.
For it is here in the wilderness that God has tender words to speak to us; words of healing, words of hope and encouragement about our today and our tomorrow. Indeed it seems that some of the most personal and profound things He has to say will only be said in private – One to one. So He allures us away; alone for the express purpose of ushering in a deeper intimacy.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Allure of the Wilderness
"Therefore, behold, I [The Lord God] will hedge up her way with thorns; and I will build a wall against her that she shall not find her paths" Hosea 2:6
"I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart" Hosea 2:14
Having read the first few chapters of Hosea before, I am both fascinated and appalled that God would ask a devout man, Hosea, to take a prostitute for a wife and have children with her. Aware that the purpose is an attempt to shock His beloved people, Israel, into the awareness of the lifestyle they are living by using such crude imagery.
And even though my heart protests that my own attempts at finding life outside of God are "not as bad as that", nevertheless, I can find some common ground with Israel that I would rather not admit to much less share.
This year has been a difficult one for me in many ways. Yet, I readily concede that it has been a year of unparalleled growth; both personal and spiritual. Indeed, I have never experienced anything like it before and I am forever changed - permanently marked by it.
I believed with all my heart that last winter I had heard God say that in the spring of this year, He would grant the deepest desire of my heart; the thing I want most of all. Yet spring has come and gone, so has summer and now most of autumn. Did I misunderstand? If so then how cruel to let me continue believing in my "yes" if the answer would be "no". I am discovering though that He is not limited by anything, and can call any season in life "spring" whether or not it corresponds with the calendar hanging in my kitchen.
Having experienced a crushing blow to the heart last year, I learned for the first time in my life what it means to live on God. For several months after, I lived in His Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. Seeking out His Company and being in His Word was the only way to lift the burden; like being out in the crushing humidity and coming into an air-conditioned room.
Before the blow, I was living a rather carnal Christian life. Yet at the same time, I hungered for more and knew I was not truly satisfied. No matter how much I tried to fill myself, I couldn't. I couldn't stay busy enough, work enough or become absorbed enough in parenting to completely shake the emptiness. I also had some habits that needed desperately to be dealt with.
Please don't get me wrong, I very much believe, based on numerous Scriptural references that we are meant to enjoy our life and live it to the full. Otherwise we would not be told this in John 10:10, nor would we be told that the Kingdom of God is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17).
I knew with complete certainty that my heartbreak was for the express purpose of exposing the very wounds I was trying so hard to run from. It was also meant to remind me how much I ached for my heart's deepest desire and get busy truly seeking God about it. After soaking in enough spiritual CPR to function again, I went to work on the three main assignments God had given me. These were things He had already called me to do several years ago. I just flat out had not made them the priority I knew I should have (hence the feeling of being unsatisfied...). Convinced, based on Scripture, that faith and obedience would bring me the gift I sought the most, I got serious about going in the right direction.
Through a much deeper, much more intimate walk with God, obedience was now possible, and life underwent a dramatic change. I felt like someone who had awakened after having lived more than four decades dead. And then, slowly but surely, it all began to dry up again. Friendships went stale for no apparent reason, dearly loved pursuits became dull; nothing was working.
I realize now that I have been "allured" out into the wilderness. Following the scent of a new life, all this has been difficult to understand. But it seems that there is still work to do in my heart, and it has required an extended time alone with God. I still see my friends and participate in things I very much enjoy, but now I am acutely aware that the pleasure is a byproduct; it is a gift and not an entitlement.
It has been more than a year now that I have lived in this wilderness place. What was at first harsh and difficult has given way to an appreciation for the wild beauty of this intimate location. But He has waited until we could be alone to say some incredibly tender things to my heart. He has also brought me so much healing that it nearly defies comprehending. He is teaching me to wait; be patient and endure, to find my satisfaction in Him and make peace in every single aspect of my life - most notably, within myself.
At times the pain has been so intense I can hardly bear it another day, and then....out of no where He speaks to me. His words of love, praise and affirmation give me the courage and incentive to keep going. I have had some (rather) nasty (one-sided) arguments with Him about finding relief from all of this, but through a study of the book of James, He tells me that patience and endurance make us complete, lacking in nothing.
I'm not sure where all of this is going, but I know the One Who does. And for now, it is enough. I still do not have the tangible gift I seek and that is hard to live with sometimes. But, in the meantime, His dreams for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) are melding with my own and I am walking through the door that He is holding open for me.
"I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart" Hosea 2:14
Having read the first few chapters of Hosea before, I am both fascinated and appalled that God would ask a devout man, Hosea, to take a prostitute for a wife and have children with her. Aware that the purpose is an attempt to shock His beloved people, Israel, into the awareness of the lifestyle they are living by using such crude imagery.
And even though my heart protests that my own attempts at finding life outside of God are "not as bad as that", nevertheless, I can find some common ground with Israel that I would rather not admit to much less share.
This year has been a difficult one for me in many ways. Yet, I readily concede that it has been a year of unparalleled growth; both personal and spiritual. Indeed, I have never experienced anything like it before and I am forever changed - permanently marked by it.
I believed with all my heart that last winter I had heard God say that in the spring of this year, He would grant the deepest desire of my heart; the thing I want most of all. Yet spring has come and gone, so has summer and now most of autumn. Did I misunderstand? If so then how cruel to let me continue believing in my "yes" if the answer would be "no". I am discovering though that He is not limited by anything, and can call any season in life "spring" whether or not it corresponds with the calendar hanging in my kitchen.
Having experienced a crushing blow to the heart last year, I learned for the first time in my life what it means to live on God. For several months after, I lived in His Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. Seeking out His Company and being in His Word was the only way to lift the burden; like being out in the crushing humidity and coming into an air-conditioned room.
Before the blow, I was living a rather carnal Christian life. Yet at the same time, I hungered for more and knew I was not truly satisfied. No matter how much I tried to fill myself, I couldn't. I couldn't stay busy enough, work enough or become absorbed enough in parenting to completely shake the emptiness. I also had some habits that needed desperately to be dealt with.
Please don't get me wrong, I very much believe, based on numerous Scriptural references that we are meant to enjoy our life and live it to the full. Otherwise we would not be told this in John 10:10, nor would we be told that the Kingdom of God is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17).
I knew with complete certainty that my heartbreak was for the express purpose of exposing the very wounds I was trying so hard to run from. It was also meant to remind me how much I ached for my heart's deepest desire and get busy truly seeking God about it. After soaking in enough spiritual CPR to function again, I went to work on the three main assignments God had given me. These were things He had already called me to do several years ago. I just flat out had not made them the priority I knew I should have (hence the feeling of being unsatisfied...). Convinced, based on Scripture, that faith and obedience would bring me the gift I sought the most, I got serious about going in the right direction.
Through a much deeper, much more intimate walk with God, obedience was now possible, and life underwent a dramatic change. I felt like someone who had awakened after having lived more than four decades dead. And then, slowly but surely, it all began to dry up again. Friendships went stale for no apparent reason, dearly loved pursuits became dull; nothing was working.
I realize now that I have been "allured" out into the wilderness. Following the scent of a new life, all this has been difficult to understand. But it seems that there is still work to do in my heart, and it has required an extended time alone with God. I still see my friends and participate in things I very much enjoy, but now I am acutely aware that the pleasure is a byproduct; it is a gift and not an entitlement.
It has been more than a year now that I have lived in this wilderness place. What was at first harsh and difficult has given way to an appreciation for the wild beauty of this intimate location. But He has waited until we could be alone to say some incredibly tender things to my heart. He has also brought me so much healing that it nearly defies comprehending. He is teaching me to wait; be patient and endure, to find my satisfaction in Him and make peace in every single aspect of my life - most notably, within myself.
At times the pain has been so intense I can hardly bear it another day, and then....out of no where He speaks to me. His words of love, praise and affirmation give me the courage and incentive to keep going. I have had some (rather) nasty (one-sided) arguments with Him about finding relief from all of this, but through a study of the book of James, He tells me that patience and endurance make us complete, lacking in nothing.
I'm not sure where all of this is going, but I know the One Who does. And for now, it is enough. I still do not have the tangible gift I seek and that is hard to live with sometimes. But, in the meantime, His dreams for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) are melding with my own and I am walking through the door that He is holding open for me.
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